Serotonin’s
what black hearts grown in
deplete the dosage
invite psychosis
receptors confused
not broken, contused
bruises of purple and blue
flower only when they’ve wounded you
repeat prescription, repeat prescription
my GP speaks in robot diction
We pass from being into having been
pharmaceutically silenced, conveniently unseen
© Wolfgar 2019
The shadowed trench half lit by a shredded moon slowly swallows the remains of men. What hasn’t been tossed to the rear vanishes in mud disappearing for decades, awaiting some distant spring.
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere rats are eating something indefinable, elsewhere far behind the slaughter a stonemason crafts a memorial for an empty grave, his chisel the cruel liar to a hollow casket.
The draw of a cigarette reddens a pale face which glows but doesn’t live, cupped in a clawed hand the burning leaf warms a palm that will never cross a new born brow. Exhaled breathless smoke abandons hope with a sigh.
And yet from this desolation comes the future of men, in words and clay and from the colour of all things living, and love, from this black night comes love and light and wisdom from the learning. For in all things there are seeds that will not die.
Shoots
What nourishes the dormant seed?
Nothing is permitted until the time of natures choosing. Lying in the coffined earth an expanse of life and time gestates, a burst of blooming summers restrained. The cycle of seasons waits patiently for its moment to crack the husk, to reveal itself to the beckoning light.
This then, like the recovery of men from war cannot be predicted or governed. For each man in his contradictory polarity tumbles through his inner space, oblivious to the balance he must attract that will repel him just enough to stabilise the falling. Equilibrium must exist in all things for all things to exist with meaning.
And then slowly reaching, forcing itself toward light and warmth, even the warmth of rain a shoot might break the ground. It will make a sound and hear a sound and know it is alive, other things will act on it and it on other things until there is recognition between them, a balance.
The nourishment can begin.
Photosynthesis
Before the desire for knowledge is ever realised there is the necessity for it, the need for basic exchanges between the building blocks of life. The tentacles of will to survive reach toward the Sun, this like a form of automated worship never requiring Priests or Pulpits.
Not a call to Prayer but a call to live, a call to live free from the corruptions of false Gods and false prophets, to live pure and clean under the one all powerful entity which gives life to every living thing, without prejudice.
Does this creator demand our obedience? Every embryonic tide releases echoes endlessly washing through all that lives. We take its power and turn it against itself, unknowingly recycling entropy like vengeful angels smashing altars with bolts of lightening. And so we burn our flightless imaginations and tether ourselves to conformity.
As the unrelenting power moves our planet ever onward it cares not whether things live or die, are good or bad, it promises nothing and asks nothing. This is the one true source of everything we know and it demands nothing because it is everything.
With what little power we have we emanate destruction.
We make spaces in the ground to lay our used up carcasses in, the earth takes us back. We are recyclable, ungrateful particles of ancient stars that no longer shed light, instead we rage with resentments only known by those who have forgotten where they came from, an unanchored chaos engulfing everything within its orbit.
Expanding ever outward
On roads between the tribal territories we would stop
to hide amongst the green of things,
some lads would smoke and some be silent.
We talked to horses and forgot our lives,
most often the stillness would calm us.
From hidden hillsides we’d watch our enemies move.
We gave the horses names and fed them apples,
they became our friends they listened to our confessions.
They were not aligned to flags or kerbstone colours.
The radio static broke the spell like lightening strikes,
the rains would wash us back to streets
where our calmness would evaporate to hate.
On the Derriaghy Road between the hell of sink estates
we harassed joyriders and freedom fighters,
terrorists and lovers too, the green and gold, red white and blue.
We gave them names and labels from fokelore, rhymes and fables
just like the horses in the stables
we gave them names.
We fed their hungry bitter souls with reason and with cause,
we never thought we might be wrong
when kicking down their doors.
We gave them names in a language laced with spite
we cursed our enemies so, to make our cause seem right
We gave them names.
And when I hear those names again, spoken, spat and screamed
I think of friendly horses
and wish the rest was just a dream
© Wolfgar 2019
This comment was recently obliterated from a writeoutloud.net discussion board by the moderator Graham Sherwood. It had been posted by Martin Brenchley on behalf of David Moore, not infringing any site rules current at that time. It was taken down as it asked several questions writeoutloud.net repeatedly failed to address. The root of this discussion was the obliterating of David Moores account due to the alleged offensive nature of his poem “War criminal” that decision although final In writeoutloud.net opinion is still contested, and not forgotten.
A few days have passed since the previous comments on this thread allowing time for reflection and a welcome break.
I was going to walk away, but instead simply took some breathing space to contemplate the statements made by Greg Freeman, Graham Sherwood and others, none of which to my mind made anything any clearer. I’m going to try and work through some of the things that have been said and offer something in response, I’ll try not to miss anything.
Greg Freeman states that he felt compelled to join the discussion only after a former WoLer came back to have “one more go” regarding Graham’s administrative WoL colleagues hanging him “out to dry” it seems to me that admission in itself highlight the WoLers initial suspicion, as Greg only bothered to step in when his position of silence had light shed upon on it. Greg, are you supporting Graham or taking umbrage at your own readiness to show support being questioned? Possibly both, even so a little late to the debate… but better late than never I guess.
One principle seems to have been missed entirely, Greg Freeman states that the moderators decision is final. I was amazed when I saw that, yes it is written in the guidelines for all to see, however I would challenge Greg, most of those commenting here are fully aware of the decree, some even recognise the fundamental flaw contained within it. Not only does it dismiss any right/facility to appeal the possibility of an ill considered or unjust decision, it completely ties the hands of the authority who imposed the decision to reverse it and in doing so retain any credibility. Maybe that guideline needs a little jiggle, but maybe not. It might offer too much opportunity for appeal…something the WoL management seem keen to avoid. As for the remark “If you still don’t like it, you are free to leave” well what can a person say to that? A clear indication of a lack of willingness to engage with any appeal. To utter those words in several offices of my previous employment would have seen me removed from my position. We must not expect too much though, all the administrators are volunteers as we are frequently reminded in times of WoL crisis. Greg later goes on to quote the dangers of populism in the rise of the far right, quotes like “If they don’t like it they can leave” go down a real treat at populist far right rallies, in fairness those of the left too. Enough of that…it’s so obviously flawed it barely warrants discussion.
Greg Freeman’s stance on the use of offensive language baffles me. He states it is now completely unacceptable whether in context or not to use any offensive word. Winding that all the way back to a ridiculous state, how then do we have a discussion about it…seriously apply your rules without any qualification…do it, see what happens? in fact read some history Greg and see what actually happened. Your theory if put in to practice would obliterate so much of what has been written and performed that it would be a crime in itself. I have an opposite view, progress is rarely made by the obliteration of things and never by silencing. I believe the human race will have truly made progress when it is able to communicate with itself without elements of it feeling the need to protect those they deem less educated or somehow less deserving from their own sensibilities. We cannot have debates on language without utilising the language we are debating. We cannot learn from history if it is no longer there to bear witness to our previous folly. Gregs idea of progress to my mind is pure denial and blind idealism, In fairness I think the idea of the human race in total harmony and open debate is also idealism, but it is one which embraces inclusivity as opposed to censorship and exclusion of rights to access.
Greg goes on to say this “but it may be rather that we have shown too much tolerance in the past” by “we” Greg is referring to WoL. So lets just think about that for a moment…if Greg is correct that in the past WoL has been too tolerant then it would have demonstrably failed to adhere to its own guidelines. So that said can I request an example be provided where WoL has been too tolerant? Surely such an act would have shown prejudice and/or favour, I can site specific instances of the censoring of some words and not others which are almost identical in thrust. I can point to instances of anti semitism I have seen on WoL that have not in any way been addressed (to my knowledge)
To take comfort from the “vast amount of WoL users who have chosen not to weigh into this discussion” well another stunning statement, can I see some figures on that assumption of choice please, I mean in reality that is a very amusing remark. I can’t imagine taking comfort from the silence of those whose voices are probably more important than any other in this discussion. Rather, I would take comfort from their joining the debate..irrespective of stance and opinion, I would have expected WoL’s desire was to engage not silence, though on form that’s probably giving it too much credit.
Finally and just for now, I can assure Greg Freeman that his assumption of forgetfulness by participants in this debate regarding it’s origins, in my case at least is wholly unfounded.
Just a quick response to John Coopey’s comment. David Moore contacted the WoL moderator on at least two occasions between his suspension and the deletion of his account. He specifically requested he be permitted to retrieve parts of his profile/conversations/writings prior to any deletion. Additionally he contacted Julian Jordan (WoL co-founder) by private email making the same request. An acknowledgement was made in respect of one email to the moderator, however the subject of retrieval was not addressed in any way. No response was received from Julian Jordan. It can only be assumed therefore that the deletion of the account in its entirety without access being granted to its author (who had requested such access at least three times) was enacted as a form of punishment in full awareness of the requests made by the author, it is difficult to conclude any other reason for such a malicious and cruel act.
I haven’t the time now to start on Graham Sherwood’s latest comments but will at some future point address them.
The account on which the above comment was posted has subsequently been obliterated. The reasons given for its deletion did not conform to WoL guidelines and were not evidenced by any technical data. The account did not contravine WoL guidleines at its time of use.
The blighted leaf will fall the same
to lay beneath from where it came
and those alike that shared its name
no longer shall its sickness shame
All glory whether green or gold
lives but short span the truth be told
and losing purchase on its hold
becomes as mulch in Gaia’s fold
© Wolfgar 2019
I lay awake above the lock
where natures forces stall
and in its starlit mirrored top
there spied reflections of us all
The surface clear the faces proud
above the murk beneath the mask
this new purview all sight allowed
all laid before and all things past
Then with the dawn the sluices vent
my visions flow to wilder Seas
the moment passed my memories spent
and all the words I have are these
© Wolfgar 2019
On the 14th line of this poem I use the derogatory term “coons” it is without context an offensive term which I would never use personally or sanction the use of by anyone else.
When taken in context this is the ranting of an ex-serviceman blighted by PTSD and Dementia. I would argue that it is relevant and appropriate in this setting/context as it highlights a disturbed mind.
It represents the deliberate discriminatory degradation of human beings by other human beings and the subsequent less discriminatory degradation of humans by the horrors of dementia.
I was requested to moderate this work on the website writeoutloud.net
In the context of maintaining realism and to portray life as it is/was I refused to do so.
As a result I was suspended from the site and am awaiting a decision on whether I will receive an outright ban.
Should we redline Spielberg’s scripts, sterilise reality? We do victims no service when we fail to represent the disgusting treatment they endured, that is what I am attempting to disclose here, the degradation of us all.
Additionally I have posted links to informative documentary evidence of the circumstances regarding the oppression and mistreatment of Kenyans during that period of history.
He’s marching now,
he is marching now,
Pants full of piss
bayonets fixed.
He’s marching now,
squeezing the carers tits.
Catheter wrenched out
to a Sergeant Majors shout,
those Mau Mau bastards
burn them out
Came home to fuck all
pissed his wages against the wall.
“Fucking England, fucking Dragoons,
fucking jungle, fucking coons”
The Postman scared to come to the door
the letterbox a view to war
He’s marching now at eighty two
he gave his youth and mind for you
I am quoting in this piece, I do not subscribe to my father in laws attitudes.
As for the conflict against the Mau Mau much has been aimed at the Brits which has detracted from the savagery of the Mau Mau, not that savagery of one side excuses that of the other.
I’m not sure if this is more about him then or him now, which is a sorrier state of affairs? You choose. He was a young man doing horrible things, he is now an old mad man haunted by horrors, suffering dementia and quite probably undiagnosed PTSD.
On point of correction here which reveals some poetic license, the unit my father in law served with was the Royal Inniskilling Fusiliers not the Dragoon Guards..his son later went on to serve in the Royal Irish Rangers.
Darkling the blood did flow
further from the beating heart,
as magma turns to stone.
Black as ashen clouds cast up from hell,
fiery rained the molten spears
that on the vermin humans fell.
Some petrified and foetal curled,
at last embraced in death
their world
and no new dawn awaited there,
where earth and void
did darkness share.
© Wolfgar 2019
Ducking into église saint-roch I shake off the demons,
Safe in here surrounded by stony Angels and dead mens bones.
The doorway its own station of the cross, cardboard lined and disinfected.
The confessional silently awaits my truth, and wait it shall.
Joan of Arc brandishes her fire forged anger, she, raised on a plinth of
invisible prayer,
I diminish before her, a Saint that burned so well so pure in flame.
And then there is Jesus there is always Jesus, born bloody from the womb to calvary.
A sunburst of cherubs adorns the scene, yet in the shadows still the crown of thorns.
I fumble a candle alight with fingers cut from whisky glass and the thighs of whores,
Forgive me Lord, forgive me Lord, I am not yours, I am not yours.
And the Street still waits, beyond the grasp of glory gapes its welcome jaws,
through the wastrels fumes falling back to earth, I am yours I’m always yours.
© Wolfgar 2019
Get me to Sank Roo Doe Noo
Ernest’s waiting Gershwin too,
do just whatever you ever have to do
to get me to Sank Roo Doe Noo.
The Heiress sitting at the bar
she wears a coat of Jaguar,
the Barman fills her Bloody Glass
she drinks it, it drinks her class.
Behans lost the manuscript
beneath the bar it’s sodden ripped,
twas only good for pulp and porn
poor genius drunk from dusk till dawn.
In the dive they tickle keys
the cymbals brushed with kissing ease,
and no one ever seems to leave
before the Sun itself does heave
its mass above the Avenues
where Hausmann built in ordered views,
and Adolf did himself amuse
whilst shipping out the vermin Jews*.
So get me to Sank Roo Doe Noo
for all are gone who passed there too,
and nothing matters from before
it’s just a bar beyond a door.
© Wolfgar 2019
* Vermin Jews, How members of the Jewish faith were consistantly referred to in nazi Germany. Not representative of the authors personal feelings.
While we sleep we’re losing time
the unheard tick a clockwork crime
Our eyes are blind to burning stars
our once smooth flesh replenished scars
Our ears are closed to artful Joys
Cathedral Bells just background noise
Athletic limbs now limp and frail
betray accounts of grand regale
Our silver tongues turned slavering sloth
bed-wetting Slumber on dampened cloth
For all the peace we find in sleep
tis from the waking world we reap
and in that wake our madness grows
till lifeless rest relieves our woes
© Wolfgar 2019
As if being pulled toward a force,
free will became delusion.
Greeted by ashen faces in the shallows, swallowed whole,
powdered with fine crushed bone,
they parted ranks to let me pass.
Stairs of Hyacinth garlands pressed my feet.
Skulls spun on bamboo scaffolds, jaws agape, sockets black,
lemon grass malaria,
Incense spiralled funeral pyres above the canopy.
Heaven reeked too much of life for me,
the Temple held too much of what once was
When all I wanted was to be free.
© Wolfgar 2019
The River steals light
from the Street and from the Stars,
like floating lanterns of reflection
launched from the cupped hands of Gods
the city skies are blinded
where men’s eyes are lit by lesser wonder,
in darkness all that shines distracts
in darkness only the sightless see,
hearing storms in telling trees,
sensing sea salt on the poison breeze,
in days when polar ice caps unfreeze
We bathe ourselves in centuries.
The Estuary feeds the greater wash
the Planet fades tide by tide,
the Moon cannot restrain herself
and floods our world with tears she cries.
© Wolfgar 2019
I am the fuller in a blade
a gouge of absent steel
I make you lighter for the parry
and quicker off the heel
I’m something that is missing
but is there to bring you gain
a flaw that sees you winning
and your enemies the slain
Though you’ll never know a lover
you’ll reap the victors spoil
and your days of peace be forfeit
for the balance of your toil
© Wolfgar 2019
Monstrosities love little men
the hen pecked type
good with a pen
For measuring and counting stuff
that’s good or bad
or not quite good enough
To cross the t’s and turn blind eyes
to adjust their books
and snopake lies
That look good in well cut uniform
who can recite an oath
and be reborn
Who’ll save them brass by using gas
and tell no tales
if all should fail
They value heads more-so than hearts
a brain they’ll kill
but hearts restart
So I’m averse to bureacrats
it’s my belief
they’re mostly twats
© Wolfgar 2019
What beauty comes of war
What beauty comes of war
from all that’s black as blood
from damaged mind and broken bone
What beauty comes of war
What beauty comes of ugliness
from torment trapped in blinding light
from silver landscapes blasted white
What beauty comes of war
Yet how remembrance uses it
the flags and slow lament
with dignity and gratitude and scarlet sentiment
Is beauty in the orphan child
a mind insane
a lonesome soul
Is beauty in a life bereft
to live without a love
to sleep alone and cold
If yes a terrible beauty comes of war
But grim remembrance bares the truth
of beauty never seen
whilst only those with scars are proof
to those who’ve never been
Štimlje revisited (unseen casualties)
Travelling across open flatland toward Štimlje the ground begins to rise.
Driving on through the tight enclosed lanes of the town to the far side as if to leave,
a battered overgrown compound looms into view, its heavy mesh fences collapsing and dilapidated in parts.
This is Štimlje Mental Asylum. The patients are unable or unwilling to leave, they have been abandoned left to fend for themselves or die.
The staff have fled because this is a war zone.
Snow lays in muddy patches around about, stained with shit and blood.
A slug-like legless form drags itself through excrement seemingly going nowhere fast,
its insane leer and wolf-like howling splits the cold air, this thing is human.
Horror descends.
We continue systematically on foot, through unlit grey buildings and rooms, behind each door a shocking portal to another circle of hell.
Women, children, half animals, intermittent screeching barking and yelps.
Self harming, open wounds, and the gut wrenching stench of filth.
In one room no bigger than a single garage space, at least fifty naked forms stand silently shivering.
They stare out of hollow skulls straight through me as I stand silhouetted in the doorway.
They seem to be mostly men its hard to tell, their emaciated bodies look sexless.
Upon closer inspection there are a few women present, Jesus! What might have happened to them in here? Their hair is matted in clumps.
There were just four of us a small recce team we could do nothing we had nothing, we were staring into hell and were struck dumb by it.
We drove in Silence back to Pristina not one single fucking word.
I was strong, fit, able in mind and body. I was in my late thirties and this wasn’t my first war.
I got back to a quiet place and hid myself, I cried and shook like a pathetic child, big tough fucking soldier eh?
And sometimes that is how war fucks you, slowly. Either that or you get blown to shit.
Who would write poetry about that?
© Wolfgar 2019
Chopin is slowly stitching the night around me
he’s weaving the darkness to shutter my room,
As my eyes surrender to his Nocturne Moon.
The universe expands behind the veil of light,
in here the world breathes freely as only dead men might,
Without resistant fear, released into second sight.
Where Symphonies crescendos crash the stars asunder
and a million raining sparkle-lights flood to Seas of wonder.
Shimmering they roll toward my waking.
Tis true the tides do never wait advancement or retreat,
that even in this netherworld the laws of Earth repeat,
and cast me back un-rescued to my voyage incomplete.
© Wolfgar 2019
Tusk tips dripping oil
hammer on a chalky skull looking for a dream.
Coiling trunks baffle down a spine,
piling teak timber at the edge of breathless cities.
There’s an empty moat with a spiralled sinkhole,
a devils giant mouth beneath exhales human bones.
A snail in a plastic bottle curls to its own extinction,
closing from the inside and screwing down the top.
The Lid slams shut,
The Lights go out,
The Sea runs dry,
The air afire.
I wake
and gasp for life.
The audio is purposely overblown
The garden is cool now
the Sun’s rewound her cancer gun,
her rays live in the bladed green
my toes are splashed with whiskey,
the day already sunk, unseen
A cool breeze licks my face
I fumble through my dead bookcase,
each fingered tome their words devoured,
As thunder reigns before the showers.
I won’t sleep, the night awakes me,
the day will spin back round to take me,
I’ll clamber from my slumber
no longer will my dreams encumber,
the words I lay down on the page
come from the space
in which I rage…
the storm passes over and far
to somewhere that you maybe are,
I sit and wait the world to turn
and contemplate my new sunburn.
© Wolfgar 2019
I wish I could walk a mile on my twisted wasted legs,
but they are on a cratered path
somewhere else instead.
I wish I could speak a truth with my mangled severed tongue,
but it festers in a blood soaked pit
where silence was begun.
I wish I could show you vision through my blinded plucked out eyes,
but they were stamped on with derision
when I pleaded with them, why?
I wish I could take your hand with my shattered broken claw,
but they shackled it and hacked it off
when I knocked upon their door.
I wish I could make you feel with my broken bleeding heart,
the one that when they stopped it
a million more did start.
© Wolfgar 2019
